So, I went to try on bridal dresses with another friend who is getting married in about 2 years, and my MOH, Jordana.  We went to 2 bridal shops in Lynchburg, VA--Celebration Bridal and Formal as well as Church Street Bridal Shop.  I tried on over 30 dresses and picked out another 10-15 at Church St. 

The last one I tried on (obviously) at Celebration, the first location, I fell in love with.  It is a strapless organza dress with a trumpet-like skirt and a court train that is about 3-4ft. long.  There is beading and just a hint of iridescent sparkle; the beading is light and fades the further down the dress you go.

I want to make it a sweetheart neckline, and I added a satin sash that was about 2 inches thick around the waist to give it more definition.  I might do the sash in one of my wedding colors--purple or red.  The back of the dress is in a corset style, and it fits perfectly with the kind of veil I like.  The veil will be a 2 tier fingertip length scallop veil with a pencil edge.  I found the exact one online for $54 at VisionVeils.com.  What a bargain!

Did I mention I loved the dress AND it was within my budget?  I never planned to come home with a wedding dress, but at $299 it was 1/3 of the original cost on a discontinued dress.  I felt like a bride for the first time and it really struck me that I was going to marry Sean in the dress I tried on yesterday.  I was so happy to find it, but I wasn't going to be able to afford it right at the moment, so my MOH, who was going to put $200 or so towards her ensemble, paid for it flat out and just said I could pay her back.

That is how much I loved this diamond white wedding dress.  My best friend, my MOH even knew that this was the one, and I went and tried on 15 other dresses before I came back and put it on again.  I had to have it. 

Now there is a pink and black bag hanging in my closet that has to wait another year and a half before it can get pulled out and worn.  Sean's jaw is going to drop and I realized that yes, I am going to cry at my wedding...especially considering that I teared up in a dress. 

(After looking it up, it's a Maggie Sottero J1014 "Cherelle") ...

http://www.pizazzwedding.com/store/proddetail.php?prod=MSB-Cherelle&cat=48

Maybe I didn't get the most awesome bargain on it (I just saw it online for $99) but it's hanging in my closet and it was still WOW!!!

So, this has been an ok week.  I haven't actually written about life in general, but I might as well.  We listed the house a few weeks ago.  Mom lost her job a week later.  Sara graduated; I saw Brian the same weekend. :) We went to McDowell with the horses last weekend and took the horses; Hank's family is taking care of them while we sell the house.  We went 4-wheeling and swimming in the river.

When we went down to the "gorge", at the river, I immediately thought of Brian.  He would have loved it, it's this great swimming hole with a rope tied up and a sweet looking brook that has COLD water that feeds the river.  We were swinging from the rope and having a ball until the sun went down.  Then we went back to the house and everyone (except me) proceeded to get really drunk.  Bubba, or "Free Willy"  got lit off his ass.   He's 6'5" and reminds me a lot of Markie B.  We were cracking jokes at him for a good couple of hours, it was great fun!

Anyway, I've decided not to go to California this summer.  I like Nick, and sure, it could have gone somewhere, but I think him moving to California might have been a sign that it just wasn't meant to be.   For more than one reason, actually.  I was really beginning to give up hope with Brian, and I hope that this isn't futile, but I can't help how I feel about him.  I don't want to give up on us.  I love him too much.  I mean, seriously, we feel so much for each other that I don't know how god or fate or whatever could keep us apart.  Does that make any sense?  It's never really felt "right' with anyone else. I'm so sick of the games we keep playing!  I mean, I was playing headgames, (and really only just realized I was)  and I have no idea what games are with him anymore, and I'm so sick of it.  I don't want to make descisions about my life based on what other people think.  I don't want to say no to Brian just because everyone says i should move on.  I don't want to!  I want to be with Brian. I have since the first day I saw him at the rescue squad.  I'm so sick of bending to others' wills.  My parents, for thinking I was too young to be talking to him.  For my friends, for thinking me silly to think myself in love.  For him too, for thinking he isn't good enough for me.  I'm beginning to think that there is something I really don't know, that makes me defective or something to him.  He explained the sex thing, but why is it that he wanted me before we had sex, and now he doesn't?  Am I that bad at it?  I don't get it. I love him.  Isn't that enough?

Ugh, anyway, so I suppose he's pulling the same shit he pulls every time we're together.  Now I won't hear from him for a couple of months.  I'll be ripping my hair out with frustration, and I'll get more and more depressed.  Sheesh.  I swear, that man doesn't have a clue what he does from me.  I mean, literally, I work 3 miles from his house. That's rough.  I came home the other day and just sobbed, for hours.  That we're moving, that I might be moving away from him, that he doesn't want me, that I'm going to have to drop out of SBC for a semester or two, or something.  Everything was really getting to me.  I guess it still is, for me to be rambling on like this.

Ahh, dear journal.  Words soothe my soul.  

I still am wondering, quite dearly, about my future.  Am I ever going to get this relationship thing off the ground? What if Brian never comes around?  How long am I going to be tormented?  I begin to wonder if I'll ever get there.  I want to get married someday, and have babies.  I want to have a home and a family and love and someone to be there that cares about me.  I had a dream the other night.  Brian was in it.  It was strange, because he was very clearly Brian, in the physical flesh, but the words coming from him mouth were not something he'd say.  He was saying something vile, like, "You have to leave; you have to forget me.  You can't fix this."  It was very bizarre, but I knew in my dream that he would never think or say that; it was like he was representing everyone else's thoughts....and then the following night I had a dream about him (he was less clear, so it was supposed to be him, I think?).  We were getting engaged, and he gave me 3 rings in a very unique ceremony.  I have NO idea what that means.  Maybe the two rings he's already given me and then a third?  Or maybe because the ring I want has 3 stones?  Or maybe I'm just going nuts.

Anyway, I'm off to do some thinking.  Writing helps, but I need to just find some way to work this out.

Honestly though, what am I going to do if this turns into another six months?  It's already been 2 weeks, and he's avoiding me again.  I wish he knew that every single night for more than three years I've prayed to be with him.  How is it that whoever hasn't answered my prayers?  Finally, just before I go to bed each night, I think, and I pray, silently, that he will feel, intensely, how much I love him.   Just for one minute, let him stop and think how much he's loved.   I wonder if he feels that.